Last night as i was driving home from church this idea came as if it were waiting patiently, and eagerly to turn into action. I have been thinking and cooking for weeks trying to figure out where I want my cake company to go and so far nada until now. Today I started working on the menu for my new and improved cake company. I’m so in love with the new direction And where its going to go. it’s funny, unique, and totally delicious. Their wil quite literally be a flavor for everyone (see if you can figure out that hint) Hopefully by the end of January I will have 3 of the “flavors” revealed and also our new name. All I can tell you right now is that my creativity is being pushed and the end product will blow your mind. Just remember to have a sense of humor.

Tonight as I was sitting in my red movie seat at church I was hit hard with the realization that I am holding myself back from my relationship with the Lord. I have been trying to test his love, and push the limits. I am a sinful person we all are and I have finally admitted to myself my feelings of inadequacy, I’ve always struggled with not being good enough. Because of that I’m always trying really hard at everything I do so that maybe I feel that I’m important enough or that I matter. I will never be worthy of His love or his attention but He is always there never failing to support and protect me so why can I not just let the Lord in fully? I keep asking myself that and I think it’s because I’m afraid of being that open and vulnerable I’ve been hurt by so many people in my life that i guess I’ve built this wall around my heart to try and protect myself but as soon as I trust it falls and than I get hurt. I know God will never hurt me so I need to trust that and allow him to change me. I’ve given that over to him and I know that with his love, guidance and a whole lot of prayer our relationship will grow stronger and those feelings of Inadequacy will chip away. Our God can do amazing powerful extraordinary things we just have to give him our hearts that’s all he asks for.

Today it dawned on me how little i’ve traveld this world and also how much i feel the need to explore it. So i’ve decided that i want to move to Paris. It’s always been on my heart as if i was ment to live there. It’s my favorite place in the world, their is so much the city has to offer. From food, culture, people, fashion the city is just pumping out adventure! i’ve been there once and i fell in love, i couldnt get enough of the city though everyone says the French hate americans i found them to be warm and inviting always wantign to feed you which im always ok with.

The only problem is my life is here in California. It’s my home but i feel like my life is at a complete standstill. Everyone in my life is moving forward getting married, having children, new relationships,jobs and many other things. Than there’s me never moving forward always doing the same thing wondering when it will be my turn. I know the Lord has more for my life and i must be patient, so i choose to be patient in the most amazing city on the planet. Paris and I are kindred spirits, she is tied to my soul. Prayer will be my deciding factor as to when i should go though i know it will be hard to leave my family, friends and my church it’s 3-12 months of adventure and gorwth putting my whole trust and faith in the Lord to guide me and sustain me. Paris here i come i hope your ready for me.

My mother is my hero and bestfriend. She has the most beautiful heart, so selfless and caring more for others that it just amazes me that someone like her exists in the selfish world. I am definantly a Momma’s girl her Sunshine that’s my nickname! For anyone that has ever met my mother she is this pale firery red head, with the loudest laugh that just brings a smile to your face. In 10 seconds of meeting her you just feel that she cares for what you have to say, not just to be nice but because she is truely interested. She just amazes me.

Growing up my mother was around for every aspect of my life, im her only child so she is a little overbearing at times but none the less she was always there. While going through medical school she managed to make it to as many baseball games, basketball games, cheer competitions, school plays, and water polo tournaments; raising 2 kids who fought like cats and dogs because well im 9 years younger than my brother so i tormented him =). She did all that plus being a great amazing wife. To have so many titles and do them all flawlessly just makes me want so badley to be just like her. To have her warmth, to care for people as much as she does, be as selfless as her, to love God so intensly like her, and really to be just as great a mother and wife as her.

I admire her more than i probably have told her, she is the one person who brings me down to earth and makes me think rationally, she’s always trying to teach me a lesson which i don’t like but she’s mom so i must deal with it. I have been going through some pretty intense problems resulting from my privious employer, intense life changes and some how when i think the world is falling and that i can’t see it turning out good. God just sends my mom and gives her the right thing to say to me whether it be quoting scripture to give me strength, or just reminding me that God gives us only what we can handle the rest he takes care of. I think that mom’s are God’s secret soldiers. When im so upset and just broken, apart from giving it to God sitting in my mom’s arms is where i want to be. My mom has the BEST hugs! Having so much love and adoration for this amazing woman of God the thought of having her taken away was truly terrifying.

A couple years ago my mom was diagnosed with stomach cancer along with a heart condition. She had a couple large tumors forming in her abdomin and for anyone who has had a parent with cancer when you hear that word it just breaks you in a million pieces, all you hear is death. I never felt more fear in my life than when she told us that. Here is this woman that is so important to me, that I can’t imagin living a day without about to go through something so hard and difficult. But can cancer bring my mom down…Hell NO! She always had a positive attitude never letting me see her with spirts down. I had never seen such strength and selflessness. In the midst of fighting cancer she was keeping my spirits up, making sure i was ok what a mom. Im happy to say she is doing amazing now you’d never even know which all thanks to God for that.

I love my mother more than words can say, i could never show her just how much she means to me although im sure she’d say give me grand kids and were even lol. i pray that i can be as strong, caring, and wonderful of a mother and wife as she is. God gave me the best mom i could ever ask for, i wish the world was filled with more Kelly Ann Johnson’s because if it were this world would be such a more beautiful place.

I love you Mom more than words can express and I can’t wait to see you with my children one day. Just please don’t spoil them too much.

Love your Sunshine.

Today i find myself being surprised on a regular basis, it’s as if im seeing the world in a whole new way. Im increasingly surprised in the way i see, do, and hear everything around me. The air is crisper and the sun brighter. it’s as if im a young girl in love for the first time, and had been living in a world of black and white before. What is the reason you may ask…it’s none other than our Lord and Savior.

My life has drasticly changed in the last 3 months and all for the better. a few months ago i was at a point in my life where i was considerably unhappy in every way, so lost in who i was trying to become. I was working in a job that i hated and that was a pretty abusive and hostile environment, that wasn’t serving any purpose. i became one of those people i always said i wouldn’t be, who lived to work. i was so busy that i wasn’t going to church regularly, always saying “I’ll go next week”. Spending my nights (not all) out at bars looking for something i can only sum up as a fantasy, trying to impress people who i thought would like “this” version of Amanda better than who i really am. My life had no purpose no driving force. i had pushed so hard against the morals and values which i consider to be the backbone of who i am. i figured i knew what was best for me, that i was in control of my life and WOW was i so wrong!

I grew up in a Christian home having strong morals instilled in me at a young age. i was always the good Christian girl who her parents could be proud of and i liked that about myself but theres the other side where i feel im never good enough. im not pretty enough, skinny enough, the most outgoing, just not good enough for anyone. I felt i had to always be put together and never lets people see my flaws because “who wants to be with a girl who isn’t perfect you have to be perfect no one will like “the virgin church girl” is what i would tell myself. i had been drifting farther and farther away from God and i didn’t even realize it. i allowed myself to turn away from everything i believe in so that what? i could be friends with the “cool interesting” people that i would blend in. Have guys acknowledge me but only for my looks this costume i wore and not for who i really am(not that i would allow them to see that anyway) guys i wouldn’t even let my future daughter date. At the end of the day i was empty inside wondering how i got to this place. So one day September 3, 2010 to be exact i woke up and said to myself “i am not doing this any longer” i walked into my job and quit, something i had been planning pretty much the past year. I felt somuch better, i no longer had this black hole of un happiness sucking me in. I was FREE!

Now that i had all this free time that i had no idea what to do with i had to sit back and look at this path i was leading on. after really looking at how i was living this past year i was so overcome with guilt. Guilt for the things i’d been doing, saying to others, having hate in my heart, forgetting my values or rather choosing to not acknowledge them. i was someone i couldn’t even recognize. the guilt turned into shame and i knew i needed to make that change right there. i had to be on my knees before my Savior and ask for his forgiveness. In that moment i was so overwhelmed, for anyone who has been in that place before God your a ball of emotions not because your sad or shamefull but because you feel his calming embrace of pure Love and acceptance. he was just waiting patiently for me to realize that i needed him, that my life is not my own, and that regardless of the wrong i had been living that he never wavered on his love for me. that is something that i still cannot fully wrap by brain around because i know i don’t deserve it. God has come into my heart and kicked every dark thought i had about myself out, he has replaced my loneliness with Love.

Ever since that day my life has changed. i decided to give up everything that didn’t bring glory to him(Colossians 3:1-17) drinking, going out to bars, inapprpriate language/clothing which wasent very hard and the search for acceptance in men. i want to live a life of purpose that serves and gloryfies God. in deciding that my prayer life went from 0-100. i emerced myself in prayer and the gospel spending that time with God. asking him where he wanted me to be, where i could be the most help, and for awhile i didn’t hear anything but i kept praying that he would speak to me and as always it is in his time never ours. but one Sunday night a church leader for the junior high ministry spoke about JH and it was as if a light bulb went off above my head i didn’t even know my church campus had a JH ministry. i used to be involved in childrens ministry at my old church, children have always just captured my heart. i sadly was a bit weary to just jump into this ministry it took me 2 weeks just to get the courage to talk to the leader about joining but i am so glad i did. i have found more joy in serving with my other leaders to help these AMAZING kids than ever before in my life. I feel God has me right where he wants me. I look forward to Tuesday nights just to hear about there weeks, and to just watch them evolve in their relationships with God is one of those pleasant surprises of life and such an honor.

the community of people i have around me is so much more than i deserve, or ever hoped i could have. God has put opportunities in front of me that a year ago i wouldn’t believe could happen to me. i found my purpose, it’s to serve and bring glory to this name which is such a gift. i know living a Christ like life isn’t always going to be rainbows and butterfly’s were told that in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, but i want my heart to break for what breaks his, to love on people and at the end of my life to be able to stand before God and say i used all the gifts you gave me. I’ve seen and been through times where you can never see the light at the end of the tunnel but it’s different now because in the dark tunnel i have that flashlight that is God. he is guiding me and showing me his beauty everyday. surprising me to the point where im just smiles from ear to ear, times where im at a loss for words, and other times where i just can’t help but laugh. he is no longer just someone i pray to at night but the someone i sit and talk about my day with who is with me on my side when others wont be. i know there are more obsticles im going to have to face but those are the surprises in life. If i can help just one child, teenager, college student, parent or elderly person come to God than my job is done.

I look forward to more of God surprises!